Things I Love Thursday - Part 55

I have a SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT.  I am not the first person to ever have babies. Take a moment. I know, I know.  I should have given you more warning, but there it is. 

We all recovered from that revelation?  OK, good.

I liken this whole being a mama thing for the first time to sobriety and how I am certainly not the first person to get sober and to try to help other people get sober WHEN THEY ASK FOR HELP.  Not unsolicited, mind you.  I ain't no door to door salesman on sobriety, or babies.  Or ANYTHING for that matter, because nobody likes that and it gets doors slammed in your face everywhere you go.  Lead by example is always the best way to be, in my experience. 

The mamas I know that I admire don't tell me how or what I should be doing.  They just do their deal and I watch and admire and try to soak up their awesomeness.  And they don't keep saying "JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE POOP EVERYWHERE and THINGS ARE MISERABLE AND YOU NEVER SLEEP AGAIN."  They let me experience every feeling I feel for the first time and don't try to squelch my joy about it.  They let me experience it myself.  And isn't that what we all want?  To feel and experience life as it comes and not have someone TELL US what we are going to see and do and feel?  We can form those reactions on our own, thankyouverymuch.

I ASK QUESTIONS.  Some of the mamas in my life are sick to death of my questions, I am sure, but they are patient and kind and let me ask and deal with my ignorance in a loving way.  I am so fortunate to have online and real life friends who I admire and who let me ask anything and share my every thought and feeling with them and they are just joyful with me.  I am so so grateful for that. 

SO, I kind of think of mamas, and papas for that matter, I admire as Sponsors.  Or at least people I really really admire in the program of AA and I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE.  See where I'm going with this?

People write and tell me they are drunks and OH MY GOD TELL ME WHAT TO DO! You all know what I say, I say GO TO AN AA MEETING.  What do you have to lose? That's ALWAYS my answer.  Even after reading my blog all this time where I extol the virtues of the program in helping me get and stay sober, be happy joyous and free, PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO DO THE WORK.  They don't want to go to AA meetings and certainly don't want to do the hard work of the 12 steps.  Or really change anything about their lives because it's all WORKING OUT SO GREAT RIGHT NOW.   Because that's fine for you Katy, but not for me.  BUT HOW DO I GET THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU HAVE?  See what I am dealing with here?  They still think they are different and can do it on their own. I cannot do the work for you.  AND IT IS HARD. 

Most of the time I never hear from them again.  But sometimes I hear back and people say they went and they are doing better.  Not everything is all fixed and life is perfect and we're all skipping along singing Kumbaya better, but better.

The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is that so many have walked before me in both being a drunk and having babies. You never truly know an experience until you walk through it yourself but there are basic structures in place to guide us. We don't have to wander blindly because people are there to take our hand and lead the way. If we let them.

I leave you with some structured goodness from our Infant CPR class we took the other night. 

I had this little guy.

And Dumpster Husband had this little guy.

EQUALLY TERRIFYING.  And there were two of them. 

The fact that one was black and one was white is delicious.  

If you've ever been in one of these classes you know this line, "BABY, BABY, ARE YOU OK?"  Well the answer is NO, and you go through the whole CPR strategy and hopefully get them breathing again.  Now, say a lady wears her red red lipstick everywhere she goes and has to breathe into a baby's mouthholes and noseholes to get them breathing?  You best wipe that shit off before diving in.  Which I did...and we have this plastic mouth shield thing, because, you know, germs.  GROSS. 

The best part was this video that the nurse leading the class played so we compress the tiny baby's chest to the beat, THIS BEAT:

So when you are completely freaking out and giving CPR to your teeny tiny baby, at least you can still get your disco on.  So that's good.

ALSO, I am almost 26 weeks pregnant and as we were sitting in that class, I SAW my stomach moving for the first time.  Like punches.  From my little girl, is my guess.   I started giggling so hard and loud and grabbed my husband's hand, but of course she stopped.  We are now playing the game of OH THERE IT IS!  and then no, it's gone.  He'll feel it soon.  He's got to.  They are dancing up a STORM in there.  Woke me up at 5 am with their shenanigans.  WHY I OUGHTA......



This Thursday, I am grateful and in love with those who walk before me with grace and dignity and love and patience.  In sobriety and in babydom.  I salute you!

Nonsense! And Shenanigans! Updates from the Dumpster Household

Y'all know about Grandmama, right? Please check out that post so you know what I'm on about here, and, you'll get to see my favorite part of that post is the comment from Dumpster Husband. 

Sally Boy with Grandmama.  T R O U B L E.

We have loads of fun in the Dumpster household, mainly because my dear sweet Dumpster Husband (DH) is so damn funny.  And this is all years before any munchkins come along, can you EVEN IMAGINE?

We do voices you see.  Which is not uncommon.  We do voices and personalities for our kitties of course, but the Grandmama thing is just a bit over the line of awesome.  And then of course we are diving into voices for the wee babes now too.  I can't tell you who does what voice exactly because we both do them all.  You enter our apartment and it just happens.  Sometimes it happens when we aren't even at home, but we are just talking for all of them.  Sometimes people get caught up in the nonsense and wind up talking back with them.  Don't blame us, it just happens.  If you've been in our place and participated in this nonsense, you know I'm talking about YOU.  And I love you for it.  AND a bunch of you here and on the Facebook page have participated in these shenanigans, SO DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.  You love it. 

Between Eliza Jane Doolittle, Sally Boy Kitty and Grandmama, we have a full house of lunatics.  My sister in law lovingly tells us, wide eyed and open mouthed, that our kids are going to be the WEIRDEST.   And then we laugh and laugh because we all know it's true.  In the most wonderful way.

Grandmama is of course, more brutal than ever in that I'm doubly knocked up and not even naturally as the good lord would want it but by the DEVIL SCIENCE and hope and love!  Not by accident like it used to be in her day, by force even, but I ACTUALLY WANTED TO GET PREGNANT like a harlot or a jezebel or a damn hussy.  LEGS IN STIRRUPS!  Medical devices!  The word INSERT was used repeatedly!  HEAVING BOSOMS EVERYWHERE!   Grandmama is horrified.  So, she stays locked in the jewelry box lately until she can open her mind a bit more and be more accepting, which we all know isn't going to happen.  I hear Sally Boy and she still do have their standing tea parties but he is really the only one who dresses up these days, and now he's really dressing up in baby clothes since those are just sitting around the bedroom WAITING TO BE WORN for gods sake. 

And now with me being doubly pregnant and TWO babies (Hall & Oates) eating my brain power - which I'm pretty sure uses up about 84% of my meager powers to begin with, things are really fun. 

Example from this morning as we're running out the door to catch the train:
*we have street cleaning in Chicago, and since we all park on the streets, they put up signs as to which day you have to be NOT PARKED on that side of the street so the sweepers can come through, Today our car is fine, but tomorrow, we have to have the car moved to the other side than it's on now and if you do it late tonight it will be a bitch to find a spot* Got all that?

DH: "It's gonna suck that we get home late and I will have to scramble to move the car."
Katy: "Can you do it now?"
DH: *silence for a moment* "Well, no, because we have to have it off this side for today's street cleaning."
Eliza: "Why did you marry such a dumb ass, sir? I've never heard such nonsense. You're better than that, sir."
Katy: "Thanks for your support, Eliza. I appreciate that coming from the kitty I rescued."
Sally Boy *yelling from the other room*: "Why don't you just move the car now?"
Katy: "That's my boy.  Thanks Sayee."

Are you getting the picture? Eliza is on Team DH, even though I rescued her 16 years ago and DH only met her about 5 years ago THEY ARE IN LUUUURRRRVE.  Sayee is USUALLY on Team Katy, but it really could go either way as he's a pretty easy little guy to get along with, but also he's not that bright.

We have a box in our place right now, like a delivery box from eBay or something that Sally Boy runs in and runs around in circles like a fookin' idiot and then walks out of all calm and cool like nothing happened.  DH named this box Idiot City.  Sally is a the Mayor of Idiot City.  He will soon have to run for re-election.  Would you vote for Sally?

In closing I will tell you that we have an Infant CPR class to attend tonight.  I'm pretty sure we will either get thrown out and banished from babydom forever, and we may be asked to hand our babies over upon delivery. OR we will rock that shit. If there is a doll involved, there WILL be trouble.  It's the doing it together and having fun doing it that I cherish the most.  All of it.  The terrifying and the hysterical.  The terrifyingly hysterical?  Anyway, the partner in life and appreciating that you've found who you are supposed to be doing life with is truly something I never thought I would have.  It all goes back to hope and gratitude and fun.  Always. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 54 - 11 YEARS SOBER

TODAY I AM 11 YEARS SOBER.

It's a big fucking deal.  I do shout it out.  I do make a big to do out of this every year because even though we only have this one day sober, it adds up and to me, it's worth celebrating.  Way more so than my earth birthday, which came and went without much ado this year, thankfully.  THIS is the shit worth celebrating for me these days. 

When I was in my last of many many detox's and then psych wards years ago (they put me in the psych ward because I was having such severe hallucinations while coming off booze, I needed to be monitored for that shit), I walked into an art therapy session (yes, it was as awful and cliche as you see in tv and movies) and the hippy dippy trippy leader of the class, an older lady wearing danskos and a lovely jumper with birds on it, said, "I've been where you are now and I promise you it gets better". 

I looked at her with my weary and doubtful eyes that had no spark of hope and said, "how long have you been sober?" And she just said, "Since I woke up this morning."

I was in no mood for cute little sayings from AA people.  NO MOOD.  And she saw that and said, "11 years, but really, just for today.  That's all any of us have.  I woke up today and said I wouldn't drink and Higher Power willing, I won't."   Hmmmm, hippy dippy trippy sober for 11 years, wonder why she's on my heart today?

That stuck with me as have so many other little interactions through the years.  Both before I got sober, if I remember them, and afterwards.  October 4, 2011.  That is the date that everything changed in such a profound way that when I look back on it now I almost cannot believe that it was me.  But I own it all. I know it was me and I know this is me all these years later continuing to strive for more, for better, for true joy.  Each year has been different.  There have been many phases to my sobriety, some plateaus, some negative spells.  It's not all magically fixed because you get sober.  There is a lot of hard work to do.  And only I am responsible.  I can't blame anyone or anything else for the wreckage I caused.  And I'm still making amends.  And that's ok. 

The magnitude of gratitude I feel for being sober today is the most POWERFUL WEAPON in my arsenal against getting drunk.  Truly.  I see people who aren't grateful for who and what they have and they are miserable.  Why wouldn't they drink?  You have to replace the hole in your soul with something good.  With something enriching.  With something that KEEPS YOU GOING EVERY DAMN DAY whether you feel tip top or not.

I have shitty days, but my worst day sober is always better than my best day drunk.  ALWAYS.  See, that's one of those annoying little sayings that people in AA say and newcomers just want to PUNCH US IN THE G-D FACE.  I still want to punch me in the face when I hear myself saying all this cheesy shit sometimes.  But today I just smile, shake my head, and say, IT IS SO TRUE. 

My little mama sent me a text today saying, "I get you be with you on your anniversary 2 years in a row, honey!" And I know that means the world to her because they lived through it all with me and were integral in me getting sober - I know nothing, and then that first year.

What I know for sure is, every damn day, I made a gratitude list.  It is the MOST IMPORTANT THING I DO EACH DAY.    I am having twins.  And that is supremely important, but if I am not sober and doing what I need to do to stay sober and happy, these babies are SCREWED.  And, I got sober for me first.  These babies and my husband come second.  That sounds harsh, but it's absolutely the truth.  I cannot stay sober for my babies.  I need to stay sober for MYSELF. 

Gratitude List for Today (not in order of importance necessarily, except for number 1, without which I HAVE NOTHING).

1. SOBRIETY.  Just for today.  And ok, for 11 years of continuous, good and strong sobriety.  and of course, the program and people in AA and my Higher Power helping me along.
2. Being alive and not dead.
3. Furries who love us unconditionally.
4. My wonderful husband.
5. My miracle babies, Hall & Oates, growing so healthy in my belly. 
6. Being completely healthy in body, mind and spirit (if I keep doing the hard work).
7. A roof over my head and luxuries I never dreamed of that most in the world don't have.
8. Healthy and delicious food to eat and clean water to drink.
9. A great job that pays me money every day to do a job I mostly enjoy very much - WITH BENEFITS.
10. Friends that are absolutely there for me and get me.

That's my basic list every single day.  And I build from there.  But with a list like that, who can complain about anything?  Not I said the fly. 

So, here's to another year sober, and more than that, another year happy, joyous and free.  Hopefully for all of us.  We strive for this.  We want this.  We can have this.  One day at a time. 



p.s. I've linked a couple posts here, as you can see.  It's like a treasure hunt of sobriety in these links.  I write about my experience, strength and hope A LOT.  In fact, it's all I write about.  I have said before that I believe I was given this second chance at life to reach out and to help other people who are struggling with this.  Or just struggling and need to know they are not alone and that, hey, whatever you've done or been through, chances are, I've been there, done that - if not worse. PLEASE click on the links to get more insight into where I've been and that I know what I'm talking about. 

Two Women, Two Connections

I have had two connections with two different women in the last few days that have stayed with me.

Connection Number 1:

Last Saturday we were at a store and I saw a woman with a double stroller, just like we want, with twins, so I JUMPED ON TOP OF HER AND WRASSLED HER TO THE DEATH AND THE VICTOR GOT THE STROLLER.  I mean, I stopped her and nicely asked, "where did you get that stroller?"

This woman seemed happy to chat, and I asked about her babies and said we were expecting twins and were at 24 weeks.  She said HER BABIES WERE BORN AT 24 WEEKS.  And they were 1 pound each.  My heart about stopped.  I got tears in my eyes as I so often do these days and she was just beaming back at me.  Looking at her two healthy and smiley, yet small babies, I asked, "how are you now?"  She replied, "we are good." With a great big smile of gratitude on her face.  I touched her shoulders and said, "I am so glad to hear that."  I wanted to hug her.  I wanted to wrap her up and tell her I loved her.  Is that weird?  She was radiating gratitude and happiness.  I wanted to hang out with her and follow her around.  SHE IS SOMEONE I WANT TO BE LIKE. 

We parted ways and I just was open jawed awe struck and said to my dear sweet husband, "that would be like us having these babies RIGHT NOW."  And he quietly said, "I know exactly what it means."  We both had a moment of HOLY SHIT, BABIES, YOU STAY IN THERE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE, OK?  And dammit we are so amazingly lucky. 

Connection Number 2:

I went into the doc yesterday and had my glucose testing to see if I have gestational diabetes.  Which means, you fast from the day before and then you have 3 blood tests.  In the middle of them, you drink the sugar water.  ACK!  I also had a check up and flu shot, whooping cough shot, and ultra sounds during this time. 

If you remember, I pass out during the ultra sounds, because with twins when you lay flat on your back the babes cut off the blood flow to your brain for a second or something and anyway, I pass out.  I'm assured this is kind of common, so nothing to freak out about.  Twice during the ultra sounds, which I really like to enjoy, KABLAMMO.  I'm down for the count.  AND, then I like to wake up, sit up and yell, "WAIT, TWINS? You got some splaining to do!" Then comically cross my eyes and fake pass out again.  I'm a big hit over there. 

Actually they are so kind to me and let me lay on my side some times, but they really can't get the images unless I'm on my back, so we do this little PASS OUT, I'M OK, game each time I have an ultra sound now. 

Anyway, as you can imagine after having blood drawn twice, fasting and passing out twice in the last couple hours, by the time I encountered this mommy in the waiting room, I was a bit worse for wear.  She was adorable and said, "are you about ready to eat something?" as she was doing the glucose testing too.  She was 25 weeks along with a singleton, her second baby.  And when I told her I was 24 weeks with twins, she YELLED, "OH MY GAWD YOU ARE TINY FOR HAVING TWINS!"  And I didn't know how to respond.  It wasn't intended as a compliment I don't think.  But I instead changed it back to her saying, "you've done this before?" and she rolled her eyes and complained about how this pregnancy is KICKING HER ASS. 

And then she went on to say, "I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HARD IT MUST BE WITH TWINS".

I just smiled and said, "really, I'm loving every second of it."  I was pretty miserable yesterday morning.  Just ask my husband.  I was out of it, and not feeling the greatest during all the tests, but in that moment it all snapped back to me.  I just said, "we had to go through In Vitro - right across the hall here - and we had no idea we would be so lucky to have it work." 

I went on to tell her our story, how my husband and I have a unique situation and the fact that it worked on our ONE SHOT, is a miracle.  We have babies made of HOPE AND SCIENCE AND LOVE.  And we don't take it for granted for one second as all around us we have reminders of how lucky we are.  Reconciling why this is working for us when so many others are having such a hard time is a whole other struggle I'm dealing with.  WHY US?  I don't have an answer.  My best way to deal with this is to enjoy every moment and not take it for granted for one second.  My gratitude overflows at all times.  Even when I feel like shit. 

When I finished telling her, SHE had tears in her eyes and said, "thank you so much for telling me that.  I feel so much more grateful for what I have hearing your story." And SHE came to ME and laid a hand on my shoulder.  We had a moment. 

It was the circle of love, hope and gratitude.  We have to pass it on.  We all impact each other if we are open to it.  And that impact can be one of positivity and light or of negativity and sucking the joy out of each other.  We are responsible for what we share and what we take on of others sharing. If I weren't sober and able to understand the role we all play for each other, I would have missed out on both of these conections, and so many others that happen every single day if we are open to them.

I leave you with this status I posted on my personal Facebook yesterday, because this is the stuff that I get to experience every day, that many out there never will.  My babies are perfectly healthy right now and every time I think about that, I tear up and I am not ashamed.  The girl baby was so far behind and we weren't sure for the longest time if she would hang in with us, BUT SHE IS, DAMMIT.  She is exactly the same size as the boy and I am profoundly grateful.

"Found out today that it's the little girl who's little tushie is pushing so hard against my belly button. Doesn't that just figure. GIRLS! The boy is being all nice and cooperative in the perfect breech position and the girl is all WOWEEE CHECK ME OUT I CAN PUSH MY MY TUSHIE OUT THIS FAR!"

Things I Love Thursday - Part 53

I get to do a lot of things.  I get to go a lot of places.  I am fortunate enough to get up and out to work every day in a major metropolitan city.  I take public transportation.  I encounter a ton of people on daily basis.  I go to bars, to weddings, to concerts, to shows, just about anything, I feel confident going nowdays.  Hell, I go to family functions.  I may not always like them, but I GO.  You could say I AM A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.

It used to be, I was a girl of myself.  I was too scared and fearful of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING to venture outside of my little world.  Which was too miserable to inflict on others anyway.  And I drank.  I drank to go out in public. I drank to be at home.  I drank to tolerate my miserable self. It gave me courage and made me feel like I could do anything.  It was an absolute crutch.  Real courage is not having any kind of prop to help you walk through life with confidence. 

Before I drank, I always always always felt LESS THAN.  Drinking helped with that.   UNTIL IT DIDN'T. 

And when I stopped drinking I had to learn to do EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN.  Because when you drink 24 hours a day for several years, you have to learn to do everything without it.  And that is some scary shit.  I was on meds for anxiety and depression for a long time.  I went off them a bit over a year ago and that has been an adjustment too.  But we are growing, right?  I had such crippling social anxiety, I would not say a word and hide in the corner for my entire life.  The only time I could get out of it was when I drank.  And it was disastrous.  Being sober is terrifying at first. But you walk through it. 

Now, I'm not saying I don't still feel less than.  I do.  But rarely these days.  The THING I LOVE THIS THURSDAY is walking around in my own skin like I fucking OWN THE PLACE. 

I used to take great pride in the idea that I didn't need anyone or anything. I was a loner.  A rebel.  Really, it's the opposite that I take pride in now.  I am a part of this world.  I am a part of all of you.  Whether I like it or not sometimes.  But the joy and the gifts I get from choosing to be A PART OF so outweighs the negative. 

Now, this is not to say I'm an extrovert.  I'm a clear introvert.  I prefer being on my own and staying at home to going out most of the time.  I will take doing nothing over doing something almost every single time. 

There is no one and nobody who is more worthy than I am.  And I am no more worthy than anyone else.  PERIOD.

It's taken a long time and a lot of work and praying and working the 12 steps and just saying SCREW YOU NEGATIVE FEELINGS for me to get to this place.  But I can honestly say, I belong in this world today.  I BELONG HERE.    The Promises are coming true in my life.  More and more every damn day I WORK A GOOD PROGRAM. 

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

  -  Y'all know when the word GOD is used in this shit, it means GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING or else I sure as hell couldn't be sober.

If you are part of a 12 step group you are familiar with these great promises.  And, my guess is, you are finding them to be coming true the longer you work your program.  If you are not part of a 12 step program and don't need to be, I hope you have some kind of something that helps you know you are on a path.  A good and loving and positive path. 
  We all need to belong somewhere.  It is a fundamental need as humans.   I had to change my thinking.  I was responsible. It took me a LONG TIME and a lot of heartache to find I belong not only in the rooms of AA, but more importantly, I BELONG IN THE WORLD.  And to think, I almost took myself out of it.  And I know many of you did too.  Or are thinking it's hopeless right now.  IT'S NOT HOPELESS.  Find something to be grateful for and GRAB ONTO THAT SUCKER.  It's the basis for hope.  And you do belong.    YOU SEE ME COMING, YOU KNOW I'M STRUTTING.  That's my motto. 

And, BREATHE

Good Lawdy Loo, things are getting a bit tight around here.  Not just in my ever increasing belly with two spazz dancers in there, but in life.  Every day it seems the pressure increases.

At work, there are approximately 8,385 things I need to get done. Today. This minute.  I feel like I'm losing my shit several times a day lately.  Juggling an incredibly demanding job and also every few moments - oh here it comes again -  OH MY GODS I HAVE TWO BABIES IN MY BELLY AND THEY JUST KEEP GROWING AND THEY ARE GOING TO BE HERE IN LIKE, 5 MINUTES AND WE AREN'T READY AT ALL AND OH MY GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes I scream in my head like that. 

I feel like I'm losing it a bit lately.  And yes, I have folks in my life that keep me in check, mainly my dear sweet dumpster husband, who I could not handle any of this without right now, but also, FRIENDS.  Sponsees and other friends who are such a gift to me they really have absolutely no idea how much I value them.  I wish I could make them see.  I wish I could impart that this two sided thing we do in working a program, working an equal sided friendship, helps both of us, every day.  ALL THE TIME. 

Here's part of an email exchange with a very close friend and woman I sort of sponsor in the program and I last night (name left out obviously).  There is a point to this, hang with me here:

Her: "please, do not be grateful for me. I am tired and worn and feel finished. Not really, but, yes. Ya know?  I cannot tell you how you inspire me each day to remain optimistic and alive.
thank you.  so. motherfucking. much.  I love you..."

Katy: "I love you. So motherfucking much. So grateful for you. I am. Can't stop me. Yes I know what you mean about being done. But we keep going. I want to cry and scream a lot lately. Out of control. But I just breathe, meditate, walk, pray how I do, gratitude list, meetings, all the shit we do. We keep going.

Her: "See. It's this shit that just made me set my alarm and promise I'd do what I said I'd do. Fuck! Sometimes I don't like you. But never really. And then, yes, I recall it all. So, this shit gets done...I cannot even grasp what you face each day, babe. I mean that.  This is fucking rough...from start to end. Yes, of course it's worth every single tough second.  It's. still. Tough.  It's fucking IRONMAN tough. You've got balls like nobody I've known. Shit, talk about grateful. It's I for you, yep, me, for you...Thank you."

Katy: "That. Is why I'm so grateful for you. We love each other. Hard. We are both Ironman tough. Thank you for everything. I love it when you say you don't like me."

Her: "Haha. It's when you wouldn't think so..."

Katy "I know. You are one of a kind."

Her: "It's your constant introspect that I respect/love/hate. It's every bad thing I had done by 8 am."

Katy: "You are great right where you are. I promise. And we get better every day if we want. And WE WANT!"

I have a few reasons for sharing this tidbit of goodness:

1. A few years ago I would NEVER have had a girlfriend.  Let alone Sponsees or women in the program who trust me enough to share this fundamental stuff with me.  And no way would I share all this shit with them.  I wasn't worthy of friendship or trust.  I couldn't give and I couldn't receive.
2. I hated my sponsor when I first started working with her 10 some years ago. HATED HER.  And yet, she was everything I wanted to be.  Make sense?  Confident, smart, funny, grateful, solid.  And  yet still able to admit faults and weaknesses and not having all the answers.  Am I becoming like my sponsor who I admire so much?  Gods, I hope so.   
3. I have amazing people in my life today.  I didn't ask for them, but somehow they found me.  And I cannot express how grateful I am for them. 
4. The gift of being able to write like this.  That's all.  It is a gift to me that it just comes out.  I can't even help it any more.

The reality is, I am doing just fine.  I am more healthy than I have a right to be and am doing the right things.  I am feeling so many things right now that I never ever thought I would be lucky enough to feel.  I am feeling babies moving around.  I am feeling loved and taken care of.  I am letting people take care of me and not trying to be Super Woman all the damn time.  I am admitting weakness and when I need help.  This is a new type of thing for me.  Both at work and in life, I am asking for help.  In different ways than I am used to.  We always talk about if you aren't moving forward you are moving backwards, right?

Well, my take is perfection is boring.  Having your shit together all the time is overrated.  The crazed lady with the bugged out eyeballs and belly growing with each huge laugh is way more fun.  And the one who is constantly craving a smoke, but doesn't do it? Yeah.  She's the one I want to hang out with.  She is sure to be fun. 

Things I Love Thursday - Part 52

Let's really talk about something serious.

Fall.  BOOTS AND TIGHTS AND SWEATERS AND COATS! 

This is what I love today.  And it is happening. And it is good.  At least in Chicago.  This week. 

It could get up to 800 degrees again what with this fake global warming and Al Gore and his internets nonsense that he just totally made up to make himself seem all smart and shit.  You know what is not real? Science and FACTS. Facts about global warming and climate change don't mean anything......pshaw!

*looks around sheepishly*  You know I'm kidding about all that right?  GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!!  DOOOMED!!!!!

Hall & Oates at 23 weeks! 

These babes are loving the cooler weather too.  They get a bit more support with the tights than with just the summer dresses and they are tucked in tight.  We are snug as bugs in rugs.  Or tights.  ANYHOO, we are comfy cozy and ready for fall.  No underboob sweat and no make up running before you even leave the apartment in the morning.  IT IS FALL, GLORIOUS FALL!!!!!  I wait all year for this to happen and it's one of my favorite reasons for living here.  SEASONS and changing out of the clothes and the shoes and the coats, AH GLORIOUS COATS!!!

I LOVE FALL!!!  Puts a bit of a bounce in your step, doesn't it?  LET'S ALL SKIP!  COME ON!

DDW Guest Post - Life is SOOOOOO Good

Who is luckier than me to get to guest post on Daddy Doin' Work?
Nobody, that's who.  Hope and positivity are the message with him.  You know we love that.  I met Doyin back when he was awesome enough to Guest Post for me in July this year. He brought down the house with his post and I'm so happy he asked me to return the favor. 

Here it is! My all new Guest Post. Life is SOOOO Good.

GUEST POST on The Monster In Your Closet - Mothers and Daughters

Deb was nice enough to ask me to do a guest post on her For This I am Thankful series. 
Please take a look.  It's on Mothers and Daughters. 

Deborah Bryan FTIAT - The Monster in Your Closet

Things I Love Thursday - Part 51

This shit is WEIRD, yo.

There are babies.  Moving around.  In MAH BELLY.

That brings me to the delightful world of technology and on my phone I have a couple apps that I LOVE.  It's the Thing I Love this Thursday. 

The What to Expect When You are Expecting app:

Can I just bitch for one second that there is not an app for multiples yet?  Like, yes, my baby is a banana (the one fruit I don't eat, hooray!) But it would be so fun to see the two babes in there.  Can somebody please get on inventing that app?  Multiples are taking over the world it seems but there's not an app for this?  I look at these every morning on the train ride into work to see what's happening in there.  And they even have some shit for Dad to look at so my dear sweet Dumpster Husband gets the goods too.  Way to go WTEWYE app!

The Sprout app:

Which clearly shows the babe and what he looks like with little factoids - you will see the the notes on both apps are all about the feeling of movement in the belly lately.  Which, is HAPPENING.  And the little wiener.  AWWWWWWWW.

I've read a couple books, and I have the apps that tell me "what you will be feeling this week or this day" and of course, I have many many incredible women telling me their experience, strength and hope about their pregnancies, but DAMN, this shit is weird, yo.

I'm at 21 weeks now and it's said that I should be feeling something like butterflies or gas bubbles or something.  And I swear it started when we saw Hall & Oates in concert last Saturday night.  And has not really stopped.  That pressure.  Especially whoever is on "belly right" (going off stage right for those of you so theatrically inclined).  It's wonderful!  And strange.  And wonderful. 

Also, I don't want to alarm you guys, but I just looked at my Period Tracker app, and my period is kinda late.

OK, are you ready for an I L L U S I O N?

Here it goes. 



It's just me, posing for my daily "what are you wearing" pic

KABLAMMO.

Things I Love Thursday - Part 50

It's that thing that makes it impossible for me to watch reality TV and laugh at people or think, "I am so much better off than they are."  I'm not.  I often say that the longer I'm sober, the less I know.  And what I mean by that is, I am no one to judge anybody else.  COMPASSION is the Thing I Love this Thursday.

I didn't learn it in church or in school.  I learned HOW TO judge people in those places.   I had to re-learn and train myself based on my own experiences. 

It's not my right to tell others how to be sober, how to parent, how to get pregnant, how to eat, how to dress, how to live or how to die.  I have opinions, I have moments where I am outraged, but it's not my place to put that on other people.  I struggle with this.  I don't eat animals, but I don't put that on other people.  Ever.  And I demand the same in return from people.  Or we have problems. 

I tend to wonder, "how would I react if someone said, did, thought this to or about me?" before I act.  If the answer is not kindly, I try not to do it.  This is new behavior for me, just in the last few years.  And it takes a lot of practice. 

Compassion to me means letting people live their lives and not criticising them for that.  People I meet in real life, on the Internet or just see on TV or read about.  It needs to happen everywhere for me.  And the miracle really is, that it's happening. I feel it.  I feel that compassion even if I don't necessarily understand what this person's life is like or what their choices are about.  Compassion is not agreement.  It is not condoning or even accepting the person's choices and behaviors.  It is simply having the grace and the moment of, THIS IS HOW IT IS FOR THIS PERSON AND MAYBE THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER.  Maybe they are having a really hard time and weren't always like this.  We all can understand that, right? 

I find myself CRINGING at pictures on the Internet that just make fun of people.  That somehow say, look at how stupid this person is compared to me.  To us.  That's bullshit.  That is when I unlike people and pages. 

If you were to see pictures of me when I was out of my mind on booze, hell even some pictures of me today when I have on a skirt that is too short or my underwear CLEARLY shows through my clothes, you might think you are better than me.  That's your prerogative, sure, but I can't live that way any longer.  It feels too damn good to have compassion.   

Laughing or criticising the misfortune of others is a lowly lowly sport.  I don't have any tolerance  for that. If you are reading my blog and you are not an addict or alcoholic or a SUPPORTER of us changing our lives, you can leave right now.  I'm taking a stand.   If you want to give me a hard time for not eating animals, goodbye.  We don't have to all agree on everything, but we need to respect each other.

COMPASSION is something that I had to learn.  It didn't come naturally to me.  I had compassion for people who were JUST LIKE ME.  But that was it.  Growing up in a suburb where everyone was just like us made me oblivious to "others".  Then I became "other".  And it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Now, I'm developing this compassion for everyone.  Even if I am completely different from them, it doesn't make them bad and me good.  Compassion is hardest when you need to show it for people you absolutely don't understand or couldn't possibly relate to.  That's the test.  Sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail.  I am working on it.  I want to teach my kids this compassion.  For all.  Not just some.  Not just those we deem worthy.  We are all worthy.  I want my kids to be shown compassion and to show compassion.  That's something I need to lead by example in doing every day.  All the time.

COMPASSION is not always easy.  It's not natural for me.  But it's getting to be more and more so the more I practice. Biting my tongue in some cases and jumping into other cases is how I'm learning we can all do better and be better for ALL OF US.  We all exist together.  We just do.  We can make it more difficult or we can make it more loving.  Today I choose more loving and more COMPASSION.  What do you choose?

Thumbs Up!

The only thing funnier would have been if he gave us the "thumbs down" sign.

This is the boy's hand.  Giving us the "thumbs up" sign at our 20 week ultrasound yesterday.  The girl was all dancing around and we saw her little feets moving around, making it hard for the tech to get a good picture of her. 

There aren't many words to describe that feeling of awe and joy when you first see the fully formed little mini humans moving around inside your belly. 

So, I will just share a couple more photos with you.



The boy.  In profile.



And, the girl.  THE GIRL.

All is well in there.  They are both in great shape and all measurements and checks indicate that they are developing as they should be.  Gratitude abounds.